hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
