my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
