I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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