Moan for me like Helen Keller
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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