My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
