eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
