My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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