i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have post one night stand depression
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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