was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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