So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
