Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
