Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
