Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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