How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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