I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
