dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
