I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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