There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
