I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk is not a location!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
