he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
