I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Alive.
So much puke
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
