Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
