the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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