Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
