Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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