I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
