Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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