I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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