I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
