There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Randomize
