You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
