You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
