i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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