I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Your mouth is God's brothel.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
