I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
