this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
