yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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