woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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