i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
