You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
