If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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