My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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