The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
