So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
