You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
