I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
