hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You are a genius and a whore.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
