Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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