And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You don't make any sense
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