I love black thongs
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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