You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
