Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
