I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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